My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.