“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor