Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
It’s a gift
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one