The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.