I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The smoothest fall of all time
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…