oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
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Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
the simulation is moving too fast
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now