I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order