Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
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I enjoy a good short stor
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.