I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You Might Also Like
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.