They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.