cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
honestly, i need both:
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.