I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.