I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.