My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.