Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Beards are a privilege, not a right