the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You Might Also Like
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
inventing words: clothing
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
men are simple creatures
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”