ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.