Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.