My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”