me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Extremely relatable.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.