Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I identify as an antique shop.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.