My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
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Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.