WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Not recommended for beginners.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Why you watching this shit?”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.