1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You Might Also Like
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
? 💀
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Hell yeah 👍
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”