*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Room with a view.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad