Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
happy friday
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!