It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
my dog when i have a friend over
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me driving through Toronto
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”