Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Nose
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice