When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.