Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.