Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.