[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
honestly, i need both:
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.