for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.