HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.