My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates