I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
wow he looks just like him
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.