[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi