Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.