8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.