Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
You Might Also Like
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what