Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
estão todos miauvindo?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.