Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
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How funny!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!