If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’ve been drinking.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
scared to check what name she chose
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat