Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
You Might Also Like
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.