Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized