Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”