When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho