Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.