i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.