That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’m good, thanks.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Lmbo
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what